i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
