I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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