I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
