Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
