Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
