God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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