Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
