I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
