She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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