you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
