I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
