i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
