I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Randomize
