Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
