Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
