I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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