on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
