I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
