maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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