my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
