I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
