If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
