It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
