hell yes lets make some ravioli
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
