You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
