Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
