I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
