Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.