It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
