Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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