I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
