How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.