The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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