Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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