yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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