Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
