awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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