I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
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A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.