I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.