At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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