you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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