I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
