I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
