I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
