I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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