i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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