The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
