I hate your face
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
