Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize