God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
