so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
