I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
