Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
