Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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