ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
