she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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