I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
