I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
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