i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
