You're my little dorito
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
