I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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