I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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