Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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